Jan 23, 2011

Gangbangs = Clone Armies

1) This has just occurred to me. I'm waiting for round 1 of questions from our gangbang queen, Sabrina Deep, regarding gangbang etiquette to be returned to me, and in the meantime I've gotten to thinking: Gangbangs = Clone Armies. Or at least they could. Think about it. The biological, evolutionary desire for gangbangs and group sex in general, most scientist seem to agree, comes from the female's urge to promote "sperm warfare" in her reproductive tract. Baker and Bellis have long promoted the idea that men's sperm goes to war with other men's sperm if (and when; evolutionarily speaking, this happened, and still does happen, a LOT) for the privilege of fertilizing the waiting egg. Women usually promoted this competition for the most worthy DNA via surreptitious means, but in today's less-genetically-driven sexual landscape, gangbangs are very large-scale and often-filmed public showcases of this behavior. Of course, I doubt that most women who take part in gang-bangs are really thinking about their potential offspring's genetic material when they get all randy and do it with multiple men, but it occurred to me that these pioneering women, whose bodies, it could be argued, are acting a megalomaniacal impulse to produce the best offspring, might be engaging in just-as-megalomaniacal thinking, too.
Think about it: one of the salient features of most gangbangs in this day and age isn't the possible fertilization of a woman's egg, is it? Bodily fluids get thrown around like it ain't no thang, but very few of them actually land in possibly-fertile territory. Instead, the cumshots are key, and sperm goes flying all over the place, landing mostly on the female's body. One assumes (and I did ask this question, which is what got me thinking on this perverted, paranoid path) that the excess spermies get wiped off and edited out of the footage most the time, but then what does the lady DO with all that semen?
What if... stay with me now... What if the pioneering nature of women who used to have sex with lots of men in order to get the best babies are now pioneering in another, less-ripping-of-the-private-parts-during-childbirth kind of world-dominating way? What if they're collecting semen samples from all the men at the gangbang in order to clone them and make armies? CLONE ARMIES! To do their domineering bidding!! Seriously, women whose personalities classify as "wilting flower" don't want clone armies, so this might sound silly, but those women also don't do gangbangs too often, do they? Or film them for posterity, so someday, after they've taken over the world with their clone armies of doom, they can show the world where it all started? No, they don't. Women who do gangbangs and film them are high-energy, very type-A personalities with the will to take over the world, but today's medical technology allows them to do it in a much more direct way: rather than having a few babies to pass on their genes, these women now can create hundreds of clones to keep in sexual slavery until they're ready to go out and rain doom down upon all of our heads.
Well, hey, at least in the new world order, sex probably won't be such a hush-hush topic.

2) Also, it never ceases to amaze me that when people come to my house and we sit around bullshitting in my office, which happens a lot as it's the biggest room in the house, they almost always find and pick up my riding crop. It's a pink, white, and black leather riding crop that I use in my, ahem, personal life for fun spanking times. I brought it into the office because, recently, someone found it on a coffee table in the living room and started to spank everyone in sight mercilessly with it. I said, "Dude, you have no idea where that thing has been," and he quickly put it down, at which time I brought it into the office and placed it in a very quiet, unassuming corner. Last night, a friend with whom I was recording a podcast picked it up and started playing with it. I didn't want to interrupt our recording session to mention that the pink, white, and black braided riding crop he was fondling might, surprisingly enough, not be used on horses but rather people's asses. He's quite sexually conservative, so who knows what might have happened if I'd mentioned to him that the leather he was touching had been used on many areas of bare skin on my and my lovers' bodies that he might not be entirely comfortable coming into contact with, even indirectly. So I let it go and didn't mention it to him.
But, honestly, people, if you walk into someone's apartment and see a whip lying around, does it seem like a wise thing to start playing with? First of all, whips tend to be used, in private residences, for particularly private things. And secondly, this person obviously owns and uses a whip. You might be biting off more than you can, or want to, chew, if you go into their toy stash and start poking around. They might whip you. Or ask you to whip them. Who knows what could happen! Lots of fun, or lots and lots of awkwardness.
I'm just saying, caution and tact, peeps. Caution and tact. I realize it might behoove me, since people seem so curious, to put the whip away somewhere that it won't attract attention. But fuck that; I want my whip handy when I need it! So just be respectful, people!

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