The DP Debate: MMF Threesomes in Real Life

Dear Dr. Lags,

It seems that straight males feel that the sexual holy grail is having a threesome with two women. However, there are women out there who, while open to such a possibility, face a double-standard. If a gal asks entertaining two dudes at once, her male partner often refuses to allow another guy into bed to participate.

MFM and double penetration are common in porn, yet men gawk and scoff at male nudity in TV and film.

Where do you think this anxiety comes from? Could it have to do with male possessiveness and virility? Perhaps a phobia that it will affect their sexual identity?

Thanks for all you do.

Sincerely,
- DTDP

Dearest DTDP:

First of all, let me congratulate you on the best sign-off name in Dr. Lags, Sexpert history. I do believe that this may garner some friendly attention from my female readers; should you wish to extend your magnanimity in sexual “down to’s” to any of them, please send me your e-mail addy privately to dole out to the other DTDPs out there.

Moving on: wow, what a question. There are so many, many ways to come at this question (pun very much intended) that I’m a little uncertain how to begin or how long to ramble on about it. Let’s start with the most basic, shall we?

Male anxiety over masculinity. I’d like to say it’s plain and simple, but this subject is anything but those epithets. Male anxiety is as nuanced as the most neurotic weight-terrors brought on in women by pop culture images of rail-thin “beauties” that, no matter how often we’re told most men (and most women) prefer a gal with some padding on her frame, will never just go away. Just like women are trained through implicit and explicit reinforcement from early childhood that to be “feminine” is to be thin, polite, retiring, and unendingly beautiful, and so on and so forth, men are trained to value their sexual virility, dick size, aggression, and ability to maintain alpha status in any situation, especially sexual situations.

Watching porn may not always reinforce certain feminine ideals (many women in porn are highly vocal, aggressive, and alpha in sexual situations), the masculine ideal is upheld pretty rigorously in most mainstream straight porn. Men are virile to the nth degree, sporting boners that seem to need no encouragement to appear and remain hard for hours at a time. They maintain a stoic quietness throughout their scenes and are absolutely unthreatened by any other dicks and their attendant sizes because, after all, they have monstrous members. And they spend exactly zero time interacting with the other man or men in most group scenes—hardly even glancing around to compare dicks or speak to one another unless it’s to egg each other on—because they’re all perfectly contented with their status as hyper-masculine, monster-donged professionals. It looks like all fun and games.

But translate that into a real-life situation, minus the professional mantle, and suddenly questions of masculinity and virility come blazing into question. For seasoned performers who are accustomed to performing sex acts in front of cadres of near-strangers under hot lights and in difficult positions (see Evan Stone’s excellent recap of “How to Be a Male Porn Star” at the AEE convention in 2010), questions of masculinity aren’t much of an issue. But for the average guy who might think having a threesome with another guy could be fun, there are a lot of questions to ask that can only be answered if they go through with it: “What if my dick is smaller than the other guy’s?” “What if I can’t keep a hard-on as long as he can?” “What if I come way before he does and he just ends up fucking my girlfriend?” “What if he fucks her better than I do and I lose my alpha status?” “What if I like it a lot? Does that make me gay?” “What if I get super jealous and this ruins our relationship?”

These are all legitimate questions for any man who’s trying to uphold the masculine ideals set forth by the Powers That Be. It really, really, really sucks that these questions are so daunting for most men, but the truth is: they are. Just like far too many women are terrified of disrobing with a new partner with the lights on because they fear they won’t look good enough, far too many men are very concerned with questions of their own masculine credentials in the face of another man doing the deed with or around them. If only we could all just get over it and have fun with our bodies! And yet, while I totally want to batter down some of these anxieties, I can in no way presume to know how to do that. The pressure on men in this country at this time is incredibly high, as sexual dynamics and power plays between men and women continue to change in the post-sexual-revolution modern world, and many of these questions are truly unanswerable until put to the test. For most men, I think that even if a healthy level of curiosity exists about the MFM threesome, it’s a whole lot safer-feeling to just not put it to the test than to risk everything that seems to be on the line in an MFM situation.

That, it seems to me, is the real shame. As interviewee David S. told Rachel Rabbit White for her “Man Project” recently, “the culture shoves a version of sex down your throat that is just a poor, pale version of what is really possible.” It’s so true, especially for men who are taught to be sexually alpha or just goofy. Because the limits of what our culture has defined as masculine are incredibly rigid, it’s difficult for men to even consider that perhaps not matching up to their perception of adequate performance or virility in a sexual situation with another man could actually be a positive, eye-opening, horizon-expanding experience. Sadly, failure is a much broader category of possibilities for accepted male sexual performance than success.

Of course, I think it's only fair to mention that there's probably a strong evolutionary, biological component to this whole deal, as well. All the evidence (I'll name a few examples but you guys are responsible for looking up the details because I just don't have time to go into it: relatively large testicles in human males, highly aggressive male tendencies, the oft-overlooked male desire to have intercourse when he suspects his mate has been unfaithful, the female proclivity toward secretive extra-couple copulation, the female multi-orgasmic capability, etc.) all point to the fact that human females have evolved to be pretty damn promiscuous. A male wanting to pass on his DNA (we're talking biology here, not modern social male behavior) has to work at it to make sure his female counterpart is having his kids and not somebody else's, and as such, men have a pretty hair-like trigger when it comes to getting jealous of other men with their mates. Interestingly, however, men also have a pre-programmed (and admittedly still-controversial amongst scientists) tendency to desire sex with a woman more when he sees her with another man or suspects her of such. So while an MMF threesome might hit home in the horny department, it might also, if one is easy prey to one's biological nature, be a source of acute jealous rage. Some guys are more naturally jealous than others, and some won't know until they give it a shot just how jealous they can get. The key to figuring this out in a good way, I think, is to remember that one is not just the product of DNA and evolution; as highly evolved homo sapiens sapiens, we can control our base instincts pretty damn well. So why not give it a shot?

The only way to find one’s own boundaries and limits and put one’s curiosity into practice is to bite the bullet and do it! Which is what I encourage anyone who’s interested in finding out about their own limits and sexuality to do, of course. In a very, very safe setting with people you know and trust and feel extremely comfortable around, for whom embarrassment is not much of an issue. Because, let’s face it, embarrassment with an MFM, particularly a DP situation, is highly likely to occur. And the only way it can occur in a positive light is if everyone is willing to laugh and try again.

This is why, for most people attempting such high-faluting fornicating formations, I recommend bringing in a trusted friend rather than a stranger. This in itself is contentious, and understandably so. I’m sure what will work is different for every threeway, but I would venture to say that a friend is usually better than a stranger. Several reasons:

1)      STI status is much easier to find out, discuss, and negotiate with someone you know.

2)      It’s easier to laugh off humiliation/bad positioning/difficulties with someone you actually like than someone you just met and are still kind of trying to impress.

3)      Your lady friend will want to be with two people she really trusts.

Which brings me to my other point about why MFMs so rarely seem to happen outside of the hallowed halls of porn: it’s not so easy for women.

From what many porn star acquaintances tell me, DPs are great—if you are with the right people and willing to work very hard at it. Let’s be honest, while the option is open for anyone with a vagina and a butthole, positioning three people in such a way that two are penetrating the aforementioned holes is not exactly an easily accomplished feat, and can be very painful and embarrassing for the woman involved. The three people must be very comfortable with one another—this is a high-contact sport. So, while pulling in a stranger with all his tests up to date might seem like a better option for the “what if she likes him better” contingency plan, it seems to me far better to involve a guy you’re both really comfortable with already. There will probably be discomfort, laughter, fumbling, and much silliness, and why not share that with someone you like?

But it’s not just physical discomfort that discourages many women from pursuing their double-dick dream. There’s just as much of a possible stigma for women who engage in threesome play with two men as there is for the men involved: the slut stigma. While a woman group-sexing it up with another woman seems to be considered pretty acceptable by most, the idea of a woman getting it on with two men carries, unfortunately, very different connotations. Namely, slutitude. This hardly makes sense, and I’m sure there are many out there who would argue that this isn’t really true, but while an FFM threesome would probably place most women at a 5 on the Kinsey scale, a woman known to have DP’ed in an MFM threesome would probably be considered much closer to a 10 on the Slutty Scale. That’s just unfair: for women who love having sex with men, wanting more than one man in bed seems pretty natural, but there’s such a stigma attached to women who sleep with multiple male partners that it’s tough to get around. So, if you ask a friend to join you for your MFM adventure—a friend that both of you trust completely not to go around blabbing about his conquests if your lady cohort doesn’t want him to—your female companion will probably be much more relaxed and more likely to enjoy herself. Nobody wants her all anxious and clenching down on all her sphincters for this kind of action.

All that being said, my free-loving friend, I wish you the greatest of joys in this, your MMF journey. I encourage you to spread your open mind and willingness to work your wang to all you encounter. Maybe if more guys like you start being open about your willingness to play in the bedroom with other men—and be comfortable about it—you could start a new and very-much-appreciated new trend.

Also, give me your number.

Yours in DP ponderings,

Dr. Lags, Sexpert