The Shortest Question with the Longest Implications

I got this question the other day on Twitter:

@MissLagsalot does size matter?

Well. That's a hell of a simple question. But the answer is so not simple. And hey, if you ask ME a question do you REALLY expect it to have anything like a short answer? If so, you're sadly misled.

The answer depends on so many things, but let's get it down to two basic parts:

1) The person you;re asking, and what that person wants. If you're asking me personally, my answer is yes. Size does matter because--assuming we're talking about the male sexual organ, which I think we, are based on the way you asked the question--the size of the member vastly changes the experience you have with it. There is just no way that engaging with a long, thick something is going to feel the same as engaging with a short, slim something. They're different experiences. Just like sitting through a three-hour movie is different from watching an hour-and-ten-minute movie. They're just not the same. So of course size matters in that way.

But that isn't to say that one is inherently superior to the other. Not by a long shot. Again, if you're asking me personally, I'm a very delicate person physically, so big isn't always best for me. I get sore very easily, I'm teeny tiny, and I'm generally not made for big things. They look ludicrously huge next to me and it's kind of silly. So while a big ol' salami size can be fun, it's a lot more of a process to get it to work with my fragile frame. Sometimes smaller can be easier to manage, and present less of a challenge to giving me pleasure over pain. For isntance, I once dated a very "well-endowed" man, and it took me a full two months to even allow the thing near me when naked. I was terrified of it and what it might do to me if it were wielded incorrectly. In the meantime, he was good enough to learn how to please me orally, so that when we tried to get our down-belows together, I was more, shall we say, ready for it. Conversely, I've been with many guys who were more moderately sized and never had to go through the fearful phase, which was very nice indeed, and provided they were able to use their equipment to everyone's enjoyment, I had a great time with them.

And furthermore, as do many other people, I don't always find that the swizzle stick is the most important part of the experience. It's one of the items on the menu, but it certainly isn't always the main course. If you can use your hands and your mouth, sometimes the cock can be done without, or sampled as just part of the meal. So in that way, while the size makes a difference in the experience, it's just one of many variables that can add up to a good time. It's not the all-important ingredient that makes or breaks it.

As far as other people to whom you might put the question of size, I can't speak directly for them, but bear in mind that these answers are different for everyone. I know a woman who is so small and tight down below that she has serious trouble using tampons--her partner is on the small side, and thank goodness for that. She could never handle a bigger person.

But there are people who are built differently and who find bigger members suit them just fine, or in fact are all they're looking for. To each his or her or their own... cock. Impromptu rhyme: "Whether it's flesh or silicone, rubber or plastic/use what you like and you'll feel fantastic!"

....anyway. There are people who don't get sore easily, and for whom the phallus is the centerpiece of any sexual outing. There are others who are grossed out by phalluses and won't even touch them. It's a big world out there, and all sizes have a niche that works for them if they're willing to figure out which one that is. And personal preference is what it is--you can work with it, work against it, and try to change it, but it is what it is. People who like 'em big have their reasons, and vice versa.

2) The person whose "size" is under consideration is also a very important piece of how to answer this question in any particular situation. What does this person want from a partner? What does this person want for him/her/themselves? The truth is that for people who are smaller, wanting to be bigger is just not going to work out. Coveting a huge porno cock won't get anybody anywhere, because A) most guys who do porn are NOT normal. They do porn for many reasons, but one of those reasons is that big dicks sell more porn, so porn dudes have massive members that are way, way, way above average and would be really uncomfortable for your average woman to handle. That's why porn stars get paid to deal with them. And B) those pills they advertise online... they don't work. You've got what you've got, and wanting it to get bigger just won't help anything. So who's asking the question, and why? If they're curious as to how to use what they've got to please their partners, then that's utterly doable no matter what the dimensions of your diddler. It's all about knowing your own body and being communicative with the person or people you're using it with. Finding out what your partner wants and learning how to do it will always, always get you farther than just having a big battering ram and bashing away at it. 
Big dicks might give some people more instant gratification (if those people are built for larger logs), but instant isn't always the best kind, now is it? It's fun for those who like it, but I find that a lot of people--and women make up a large percentage of those people--are much more satisfied by a longer, slower buildup that isn't the result of merciless pounding by big boners, but rather the end climax of a long, drawn-out session with skilled and creative lover. In a way, I sometimes think that guys with large logs can actually get short-changed by their massive manhood. It's easy to get a loud verbal reaction out of a partner if you're stabbing them with a sizeable salami (sorry, the alliteration is just too easy to resist), but that shriek might be one of pain or overwhelming confusion about their insides being scrambled. A really good, really powerful orgasm can come after hours of foreplay, teasing, coaxing, and refined technique that people with massive schlongs might never feel they need to learn. But if they did, they'd be well served by their new skill set. So again, depends on the person whose size is being examined and what it is they want to get out of it.

So, here's the short answer to your question about whether size matters: it all depends who's asking, and who that person is asking. It's all relative, even rods.

The Not-Doctor is In: How to Make Planned Sex More Fun

This is an issue that probably plagues a lot of people these days; with jobs hard to come by and usually low-paying when they materialize, more people than ever living in cities, and everybody being so damn sexy. Most of us are living with at least one roommate, and unless you're incredibly comfortable with your co-habitants, it's awkward to get down to banging with someone in the next room. Especially here in New York, where most apartments have had walls hastily thrown up in the past few decades to accomodate more people, even relatively quiet coitus can be heard loud and clear from down the hall. Personally, I live in an apartment building with most of my apartment separated by a hallway from the one next door, and I can STILL hear every detail. Which, frankly, can be kind of hot. But I know that this means my neighbors can also hear ME when I'm bumping uglies (aww, gee, they're not ugly!), and I don't like it even without having to share a shower with them.

 

So I commend you on your planning skills. If you're not into being evesdropped on by you our your partner's roommates every time you want to get nekkid, spending a few minutes juggling schedules is a great idea and one that, frankly, most people I know wouldn't bother with. You're to be commended for forcing the time to materialize so you can get hot with your honey.

 

But I've been there and done that. Waiting until the roommates are all gone, planning ahead to be sure everything is lined up and ready by the bed (lube, toys, restraints, gerbils... whatever) for the big moment, making sure you're wearing your nice underwear the day of... It can put a lot of pressure on the act and take a lot of the flavor out of the fornication. It feels like a presentation at work or a doctor's appointment instead of the wild, spontaneous, sexy adventure you want it to be. Kind of like I've heard friends say trying to have a baby can be--fun and all, but the fireworks are fizzled down to a sparkler. And not just because it's weird to negotiate time and place before getting down, but because half the time the roommates come back early and cut your enjoyment just when things are getting fun! (Not that you'd stop if someone came into the living room--I HOPE you wouldn't stop!--but you might just try to keep yourselves quiet, which is only sex SOMEtimes.)

 

It's a tough situation. If you don't plan ahead, you might never get to boogie. But when you DO, the "sucking" part of the deal just took on a different meaning. I can think of a few options for you to try, but it depends a lot on the temperament of yourself and your partner, as well as your comfort levels with the libido-lowering roommates:

 

1) Just say fuck the roommates and do what you want, when you want. I'd imagine they know that you and your partner enjoy having sex, so it'd be a bit much for them to expect you never to do it when they're around. Unless they're some kind of weird no-sex-without-marriage cult kids (in which case... uh... move out, pronto!), or you and your partner are involved in some very out-there stuff that might make them decidedly uncomfortable (which is still weird, unless you're the kind that likes to narrate every action: "Do you like it when I put that paper towel tube there? Yeah? How about this slice of PIZZA!"), they should be able to stand a little overheard moaning.

2) Or perhaps, even if rodents and shaving cream aren't involved in the majority of your coital encounters, you and your partner are very loud sexateers. Some people really just are, and it would be insensitive and rude to ask those people to turn down their volume if that's what they do when they feel good. If your decibel levels approach those of howler monkeys during the act, I suppose it's best if the roommates aren't around unless you're prepared to ask them to don earmuffs every time you close your bedroom door.

3) But then again, you and your partner might be more secretive types who just don't feel comfortable if you know that they might suspect you. Again, it's all about comfort levels. Some people just can't stand the thought that anyone might know what they're doing. Especially if you and your partner are private people, or people who enjoy things that aren't easy to keep private, this is an issue. For instance, I'm very happy to live alone these days because I have two partners and sometimes entertain others. If I had roommates, I would either have to be very open about my poly habits, or just not care that my roommates and their friends might someday see me leading my boyfriend and a third party into the bedroom only to proceed to make quite a ruckus while they were watching an America's Next Top Model marathon. If you and your partner have other partners or anything else that requires an obvious parade-of-non-vanilla through the apartment, and if that makes you and/or your roommates uncomfrotable, then planning is your best bet. So kudos!

 

If (3) is the issue, then I have a few sub-suggestions.

3a) This is the important bit. DO NOT put tons of pressure on yourselves to have sex every time you've scheduled it. Sure, if you're both really randy by the time you get five minutes to yourself, by all means, rock each other's worlds. Or, of course, if you've invited over a friend or friends for sexy-play-time, then yes, proceed to feel a little pressured to make the magic happen. But if it's just you and your partner, and it's a Wednesday night and you just got home from work, and the roommates are out for their... I dunno, what do roommates do? ...their football watching at the local pub (is Wednesday a football night?)... but you're kind of tired and hungry... but you only have two hours before they might get back... but you really just want to order Chinese and watch Hell's Kitchen (yes, I enjoy competitive reality television, so what?)... but you remembered to put your best undies on to impress your main squeeze and you were gonna try this new Kama Sutra position you read about... but your head really kind of hurts... Then, dude, don't push yourself. The last thing you want is for sex to be a chore. It's supposed to be fun for everyone. If you're not in the mood, forcing it will just make planning the next time worse. Seems to me that if you're in a committed enough relationship that you scheduel ahead for sexy time, you're in a committed enough relationship to be able to stay on the couch and have a beer some nights, too. And hey, if you put it off this time and then feel a pang of regret and randiness, next time might be even better!

3b) If you can't take the pressure and decide to push through and go for it... don't make it too serious. Sex might be great when it's spontaneous and passionate, but sex is also fantastic when you can laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation. If you've got a 30-minute window you've been planning for a week and a half and you're totally psyched for it but feel a little stupid about trying to make a strip-down happen in 5 seconds flat... well, laugh about it! Relieve some of the tension you're both feeling. Shed some light on how ridiculous it is that your sex now involves juggling the schedules of multiple non-involved parties and get it over with. Enjoy it!

3c) Don't tell your roommates I said this, but sometimes the best way to liven up something that isn't so lively is to switch locations. You've got a few hours of total alone time in a usually-crowded apartment? Do it (cleanly, with no residue, please) on the couch. Bent over the kitchen table. Up against the refrigerator. In the shower. Right there in the hallway in front of the front door (quietly, so if anybody is coming home early you'll hear them)! Spicing it up doesn't have to involve trips to the beach if you're on a roommate-living budget. I'm not suggesting you go to town on your roomie's bed (although... if the roomie is hot... hm...), but as long as you're clean about it, and respectful enough to wipe up afterward, nobody ever has to know. How's that for spicy?

3d) When in desperation, a little surreptitious work WITH the roommates might be in order. Remember college? Remember the sock or tie over the doorknob, or whatever other delicate (to preserve your partner's sense of dingity) signal you may have used that meant DO NOT FUCKING COME IN HERE? If your partner is worried about people knowing what's going on but is willing to work on being a little quiet in the bedroom if it means you can have some spontaneous sex... have a talk with your roommate(s) beforehand. Tell them to be respectful when you give the sexy-time signal, and reward them with something nice if they're willing to do it. In the end, most people understand that alone time is necessary, and even if they're not the most delicate of individuals, they'll give you your space when you need it if you're honest.

The DP Debate: MMF Threesomes in Real Life

Dear Dr. Lags,

It seems that straight males feel that the sexual holy grail is having a threesome with two women. However, there are women out there who, while open to such a possibility, face a double-standard. If a gal asks entertaining two dudes at once, her male partner often refuses to allow another guy into bed to participate.

MFM and double penetration are common in porn, yet men gawk and scoff at male nudity in TV and film.

Where do you think this anxiety comes from? Could it have to do with male possessiveness and virility? Perhaps a phobia that it will affect their sexual identity?

Thanks for all you do.

Sincerely,
- DTDP

Dearest DTDP:

First of all, let me congratulate you on the best sign-off name in Dr. Lags, Sexpert history. I do believe that this may garner some friendly attention from my female readers; should you wish to extend your magnanimity in sexual “down to’s” to any of them, please send me your e-mail addy privately to dole out to the other DTDPs out there.

Moving on: wow, what a question. There are so many, many ways to come at this question (pun very much intended) that I’m a little uncertain how to begin or how long to ramble on about it. Let’s start with the most basic, shall we?

Male anxiety over masculinity. I’d like to say it’s plain and simple, but this subject is anything but those epithets. Male anxiety is as nuanced as the most neurotic weight-terrors brought on in women by pop culture images of rail-thin “beauties” that, no matter how often we’re told most men (and most women) prefer a gal with some padding on her frame, will never just go away. Just like women are trained through implicit and explicit reinforcement from early childhood that to be “feminine” is to be thin, polite, retiring, and unendingly beautiful, and so on and so forth, men are trained to value their sexual virility, dick size, aggression, and ability to maintain alpha status in any situation, especially sexual situations.

Watching porn may not always reinforce certain feminine ideals (many women in porn are highly vocal, aggressive, and alpha in sexual situations), the masculine ideal is upheld pretty rigorously in most mainstream straight porn. Men are virile to the nth degree, sporting boners that seem to need no encouragement to appear and remain hard for hours at a time. They maintain a stoic quietness throughout their scenes and are absolutely unthreatened by any other dicks and their attendant sizes because, after all, they have monstrous members. And they spend exactly zero time interacting with the other man or men in most group scenes—hardly even glancing around to compare dicks or speak to one another unless it’s to egg each other on—because they’re all perfectly contented with their status as hyper-masculine, monster-donged professionals. It looks like all fun and games.

But translate that into a real-life situation, minus the professional mantle, and suddenly questions of masculinity and virility come blazing into question. For seasoned performers who are accustomed to performing sex acts in front of cadres of near-strangers under hot lights and in difficult positions (see Evan Stone’s excellent recap of “How to Be a Male Porn Star” at the AEE convention in 2010), questions of masculinity aren’t much of an issue. But for the average guy who might think having a threesome with another guy could be fun, there are a lot of questions to ask that can only be answered if they go through with it: “What if my dick is smaller than the other guy’s?” “What if I can’t keep a hard-on as long as he can?” “What if I come way before he does and he just ends up fucking my girlfriend?” “What if he fucks her better than I do and I lose my alpha status?” “What if I like it a lot? Does that make me gay?” “What if I get super jealous and this ruins our relationship?”

These are all legitimate questions for any man who’s trying to uphold the masculine ideals set forth by the Powers That Be. It really, really, really sucks that these questions are so daunting for most men, but the truth is: they are. Just like far too many women are terrified of disrobing with a new partner with the lights on because they fear they won’t look good enough, far too many men are very concerned with questions of their own masculine credentials in the face of another man doing the deed with or around them. If only we could all just get over it and have fun with our bodies! And yet, while I totally want to batter down some of these anxieties, I can in no way presume to know how to do that. The pressure on men in this country at this time is incredibly high, as sexual dynamics and power plays between men and women continue to change in the post-sexual-revolution modern world, and many of these questions are truly unanswerable until put to the test. For most men, I think that even if a healthy level of curiosity exists about the MFM threesome, it’s a whole lot safer-feeling to just not put it to the test than to risk everything that seems to be on the line in an MFM situation.

That, it seems to me, is the real shame. As interviewee David S. told Rachel Rabbit White for her “Man Project” recently, “the culture shoves a version of sex down your throat that is just a poor, pale version of what is really possible.” It’s so true, especially for men who are taught to be sexually alpha or just goofy. Because the limits of what our culture has defined as masculine are incredibly rigid, it’s difficult for men to even consider that perhaps not matching up to their perception of adequate performance or virility in a sexual situation with another man could actually be a positive, eye-opening, horizon-expanding experience. Sadly, failure is a much broader category of possibilities for accepted male sexual performance than success.

Of course, I think it's only fair to mention that there's probably a strong evolutionary, biological component to this whole deal, as well. All the evidence (I'll name a few examples but you guys are responsible for looking up the details because I just don't have time to go into it: relatively large testicles in human males, highly aggressive male tendencies, the oft-overlooked male desire to have intercourse when he suspects his mate has been unfaithful, the female proclivity toward secretive extra-couple copulation, the female multi-orgasmic capability, etc.) all point to the fact that human females have evolved to be pretty damn promiscuous. A male wanting to pass on his DNA (we're talking biology here, not modern social male behavior) has to work at it to make sure his female counterpart is having his kids and not somebody else's, and as such, men have a pretty hair-like trigger when it comes to getting jealous of other men with their mates. Interestingly, however, men also have a pre-programmed (and admittedly still-controversial amongst scientists) tendency to desire sex with a woman more when he sees her with another man or suspects her of such. So while an MMF threesome might hit home in the horny department, it might also, if one is easy prey to one's biological nature, be a source of acute jealous rage. Some guys are more naturally jealous than others, and some won't know until they give it a shot just how jealous they can get. The key to figuring this out in a good way, I think, is to remember that one is not just the product of DNA and evolution; as highly evolved homo sapiens sapiens, we can control our base instincts pretty damn well. So why not give it a shot?

The only way to find one’s own boundaries and limits and put one’s curiosity into practice is to bite the bullet and do it! Which is what I encourage anyone who’s interested in finding out about their own limits and sexuality to do, of course. In a very, very safe setting with people you know and trust and feel extremely comfortable around, for whom embarrassment is not much of an issue. Because, let’s face it, embarrassment with an MFM, particularly a DP situation, is highly likely to occur. And the only way it can occur in a positive light is if everyone is willing to laugh and try again.

This is why, for most people attempting such high-faluting fornicating formations, I recommend bringing in a trusted friend rather than a stranger. This in itself is contentious, and understandably so. I’m sure what will work is different for every threeway, but I would venture to say that a friend is usually better than a stranger. Several reasons:

1)      STI status is much easier to find out, discuss, and negotiate with someone you know.

2)      It’s easier to laugh off humiliation/bad positioning/difficulties with someone you actually like than someone you just met and are still kind of trying to impress.

3)      Your lady friend will want to be with two people she really trusts.

Which brings me to my other point about why MFMs so rarely seem to happen outside of the hallowed halls of porn: it’s not so easy for women.

From what many porn star acquaintances tell me, DPs are great—if you are with the right people and willing to work very hard at it. Let’s be honest, while the option is open for anyone with a vagina and a butthole, positioning three people in such a way that two are penetrating the aforementioned holes is not exactly an easily accomplished feat, and can be very painful and embarrassing for the woman involved. The three people must be very comfortable with one another—this is a high-contact sport. So, while pulling in a stranger with all his tests up to date might seem like a better option for the “what if she likes him better” contingency plan, it seems to me far better to involve a guy you’re both really comfortable with already. There will probably be discomfort, laughter, fumbling, and much silliness, and why not share that with someone you like?

But it’s not just physical discomfort that discourages many women from pursuing their double-dick dream. There’s just as much of a possible stigma for women who engage in threesome play with two men as there is for the men involved: the slut stigma. While a woman group-sexing it up with another woman seems to be considered pretty acceptable by most, the idea of a woman getting it on with two men carries, unfortunately, very different connotations. Namely, slutitude. This hardly makes sense, and I’m sure there are many out there who would argue that this isn’t really true, but while an FFM threesome would probably place most women at a 5 on the Kinsey scale, a woman known to have DP’ed in an MFM threesome would probably be considered much closer to a 10 on the Slutty Scale. That’s just unfair: for women who love having sex with men, wanting more than one man in bed seems pretty natural, but there’s such a stigma attached to women who sleep with multiple male partners that it’s tough to get around. So, if you ask a friend to join you for your MFM adventure—a friend that both of you trust completely not to go around blabbing about his conquests if your lady cohort doesn’t want him to—your female companion will probably be much more relaxed and more likely to enjoy herself. Nobody wants her all anxious and clenching down on all her sphincters for this kind of action.

All that being said, my free-loving friend, I wish you the greatest of joys in this, your MMF journey. I encourage you to spread your open mind and willingness to work your wang to all you encounter. Maybe if more guys like you start being open about your willingness to play in the bedroom with other men—and be comfortable about it—you could start a new and very-much-appreciated new trend.

Also, give me your number.

Yours in DP ponderings,

Dr. Lags, Sexpert

Paging the Not-Doctor

Guys, it's been MONTHS since I did a Dr. Lags, Sexpert column! WTF! What have I been DOING with myself? Well, ok, we all know what I've been doing: ranting and raving about other things. But it's time for me to get a little less spleen-y and more helpful! Anyone out there got a question they'd like the wise Not-Doctor Lags to field for them? A sex question? A relationship issue? A random existential meaning-of-life kind of pondering? Whatever you've got, throw it at me! Let's INTERACT!

Leave questions in the comments section, Tweet 'em to me at @misslagsalot, or e-mail me at misslagsalot@gmail.com. Pleeeease!

Maybe 10,000 Dead in Japan, and We're All Aflutter Over iPads

Maybe it's daylight savings time messing up my schedule, or maybe it's the fact that my neighbor seems to have decided that she needs to pack all of her belongings to move in the HALLWAY, where it's really loud, or maybe it's the fact that I have to go to work, or maybe it's the fact that there are possibly over 10,000 people dead in Japan, but I just do not have the patience for today. Writing about porn and sex in the face of this massive loss of human life seems as frivolous as the rush to buy iPads this weekend was. Who gives a crap about a tech gadget when one of the largest economies in the world, one of the oldest and most advanced of our civilizations, is in shambles? It's all wrong.

I bet there's very little sex going on in Japan right now. So I won't write about it right now. In times like this, all I want to do is help, but given my poverty and distance from the problem, it's a difficult task. So let me try to help someone closer: anyone out there have a sex/relationship/porn question I can answer? I'd love to hear from you! Dr. Lags, Sexpert, needs a patient, stat! Let the healing begin!

Announcements, Pronouncements, and Denouncements

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The Not-Doctor Is In: Fellatio Fix

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CALL FOR SEX QUESTIONS!

Hey people, SUPER busy day so no time for big fancy new blog posts, but hey, it's been a while since I've put on my Not-Doctor Lags, Sexpert hat, and I'm jonesing to give some advice. So send me your questions, neuroses, and ponderings on the subjects of sex, porn, relationships, or more sex and I'll be HAPPY to do my best answering them!

And for serious, too. I don't take your questions lightly, people. I write at length and try to cover as many angles of your issues as possible! Remember "How to Become a Male Porn Star" and "Too-Speedy Spew Strategies"? Both very serious! At any rate, look, peeps, I need more questions to answer or I'm gonna get all pent up and start raving about honesty and kids again, and nobody wants that! Send me your questions on Twitter: @misslagsalot, or via e-mail at misslagsalot@gmail.com!

The Not-Doctor Is In: How to Become a Male Porn Star

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The Not-Doctor Is In: Too-Speedy Splooge Strategies

Well, it's about time I got around to that "advice columnist" thing I was tooting my own horn about a while back. Unfortunately, it appears that the majority of my readers are incredibly well-rounded sexually, because despite my possibly-overblown statements about my vast knowledge on all things sexual and free giving out of my personal e-mail address (C'mon, not even one titty pic? You guys are LAME.), I only got ONE sex question to answer. One! And it was on twitter, so it was short and very un-detailed and possibly made in jest.

But I am a good sport, and I am determined to be a sexpert as well, so here goes nothing. Ahem:

From Daniel Woah: @MissLagsalot i cant last morre than 10min, what should i do?

Dear Mr. Woah,

I wish I knew a bit more about your situation; as with most things in life, sexual problems are as varied as the people and situations in which they arise (and apparently fall, too quickly for your taste). I wish I knew if you were in a steady relationship with regular sexual contact, or rarely getting the chance for intimacy. I wish I knew if you were talking about having oral, anal, or vaginal sex--or some other variation. I wish I knew if you were including masturbation or only genital intercourse. I wish I knew if you were talking about ten minutes of actual penetration/sexual stimulation, or ten minutes from the moment you get going. I wish I knew if you were young, old, or in between...

But alas, Twitter is not the most informative medium for intimate question asking, and my request for more information returned nothing. So, allow me to make some sweeping generalizations and very likely less-than-useful suggestions.

First of all, I think it's important to keep in mind that ten minutes, on the general scale of male human sexual stamina, is really not bad. As a matter of fact, it's pretty damn good.

If you're a fan of pornography--and, given you're reading my blog and catching my tweets, you probably are--you may be under the impression that men are supposed to be able to have sex for a half hour at a time with only minor breaks between positions, and that women expect men to keep a raging, rock-hard boner for the duration. I'm sure you're aware that porn uses a bit of "screen magic" to trump up the performance of male performers, but few people who aren't regularly on porn sets (myself included) realize just how much time is spent between takes, during which the male star may lose wood, hang out, get some coffee, possibly get fluffed, and only then go back in for more. Rare indeed is the porn star who can keep his cock at full attention throughout the hours it can take to complete a scene. Not that what these guys do is any mean feat; they still DO have sex for at least an hour, even if it's spread out, and male performers are a rare and randy breed to begin with. Depending on who you ask, the numbers vary, but several porn veterans I've talked to put the percentage of men who can even muster wood on command in front of lights, camera, and crew in the first place at between 1% and 5%. Being able to KEEP that wood for long enough to finish a scene and ejaculate on command, after the woman is done or the director is done or both, is an even more elusive skill.

So don't sweat it if your performance isn't equal to James Deen's. He's something of a freak of nature, in a very grand way. But, depending again on who you ask, so are YOU, dear Mr. Woah.

As far as science-minded experts are concerned, you're right up there in the sexual stratosphere. In a 2004, British sex physiologist Roy Levin published that the average amount of time between penetration and male orgasm was between two and five minutes (100 to 500 thrusts),* and "premature ejaculation" is considered by experts to take as long as one and a half minutes, which, considering two minutes is "average," your ten minutes is practically Herculean. I'm impressed, now that I'm looking at the numbers.

And furthermore, Mr. Woah, consider that longer does not always equal better. While it's undeniable that most of us idolize the hypothetical all-night lover, the prospect can be much more attractive in Fantasy Land than in real life. I don't know who it is that you're having sex with for ten minutes at a time, but I can honestly say that as a lady, sometimes ten minutes is plenty. Sometimes ten minutes is too long. The amount of sexual pleasure derived from a partner is rarely a matter of how much time has elapsed; although it's true that pleasure can mount as time goes on, it can also wane as any number of things happens: Your partner could be preoccupied by other thoughts and anxieties and lose his/her hard-on; he/she could lose lubrication and get sore; he/she could just be very sensitive and get sore regardless of how much lube you're using or she's producing.

Being able to last longer doesn't necessarily mean you're a better lover. I can say from personal experience that as a woman, having sex with a man who takes forever to get off can be heavenly, but it can also be frustrating. I've been with a few all-nighters, and even when they're fabulous at what they do, somewhere between the ten and twenty minute mark (far above the average duration, mind you) I find myself thinking: "Am I doing something wrong? Why hasn't he come yet? Am I not sexy enough?" This line of thought can bring on all kinds of anxieties that can turn me off, regardless of how well my partner is performing. And, after hour one has elapsed, I'm almost always ready for a sandwich and a nap. I don't really need a marathon session every time. While I'm sure there are plenty of women who might disagree with this assessment, I'm equally sure that there are plenty more who agree with me. I can't speak for male partners in gay sex relationships, as I'm outside that community, but if any of you are reading and have words of wisdom for Woah here, please feel free to comment.

But, ah, now that I've give you a nigh-unreadable list of reasons not to worry yourself about your ten-minute average, if you're still reading, allow me to offer some tips for changing the situation. If, despite the above reassurances, you really want to keep on trying for fifteen, twenty, or more minutes of mounted bliss, here are some things you can try:

1) Practice. Again, because I don't know about your situation, I don't want to assume too much about your sex life. You may be having sex five times a day and simply get off quickly and easily every time: I hope that's true, because that would be great for you! But if you're not having sex very frequently and are therefore more aroused by the situation when it comes about (har har har... comes...), try to get a little more accustomed to arousal. Of course, having more sex isn't always the easiest prospect to achieve, but if it's an option, by all means take advantage of it and bone away till you feel less rushed. Or, alternatively, just masturbate more often. Seriously. Masturbation is actually very good for you (so say scientists who study the virility of new vs. old sperm; the newbies are usually much healthier, so the more often you get rid of the old stuff, the better your reproductive abilities), and when you're the one in charge of the action, you can try different techniques for prolonging your own pleasure. You might discover that taking a break now and again will keep things going down there, or that varying the speed and intensity of strokes can slow you down. Perhaps the pressure you're applying can be modified, and if you're with a skilled partner when the two-person-tango is performed, your partner may be able to mimic the variations in pressure with mouth of pelvice floor muscles. The idea here being, the more you try it, the easier it will be to figure out what makes you splooge versus what only makes you smile, and then work your knowledge into your bedroom boogie repertoire.

2) Foreplay. I know, everyone has heard this a billion times, but it's true. Whether you're with a woman, a man, or a trans person, everybody can hold their orgasm off for longer, and feel pleasure for longer as a result, if they've spent some time getting themselves and their partner worked up before penetration. From a female perspective, if my partner's gone down on me or fingered me or used a toy on me or even just spent enough time tantalizing me with neck kisses and skin-on-skin contact, by the time penetration happens, I don't care nearly as much if it lasts for five minutes or forty-five minutes. If I'm satisfied and/or horny going into it, the experience will be fantastic no matter what, and I'll probably be able to get off quickly enough that even a two-minute bout will be ok.

3) Post-play. Particularly if your partner is female, if you've bust your nut before she's climaxed, there's no need to worry. NONE. Whatsoever. Because you can always head back down south with your hands, mouth, toys, or any combination of the three and keep her going. While there are women out there who prefer a cock to a tongue or a toy, I don't know of any who will turn the latter two options down if they're still turned on and ready to rumble. Even if practicing and foreplay haven't given you a more-than-ten-minute edge, you can make the pleasure last much longer for her and be the best lover she's ever had for your troubles. And if you keep her going long enough, you can be ready for round two by the time she gets where she's going!

4) Bedroom aids. There are lots of toys, trinkets, and tiddlywinks specifically designed to help you last longer before your load is blown; I have a feeling if you google a few key words on this topic you'll be inundated with possibilities. There are condoms with mild numbing agents on the inside that will keep your sensitive bits from being as sensitive as usual and therefore less likely to reach a climax quickly. There are pills (although their varying degrees of efficacy are debatable) that supposedly can keep you hard for ages. And there are cock rings, cock rings, cock rings, which have a much longer history than pills and a much more widely accepted ability to keep you hard longer.

5) Breaks in banging. It works for porn stars; it can work for you. Take breaks during your boning bouts. When you feel yourself getting close to coming but you don't want it to happen just yet, pull out and kiss your partner, or finger him or her, or cuddle, or caress, or, hell, go get a snack. Come up with a wild new position that takes a while to get into. If you're with a multi-orgasmic partner, you can use your hands or mouth to get him or her off several times before you go back in for the grand finale. Just give your boner a break and some time to cool down before you heat things back up.

6) And, of course, the measure of last resort: diversionary tactics. We've all heard this one before, but I swear it works. If you feel an orgasm coming on before you want it to happen, think about the least sexy thing you can imagine... within limits of course. You don't want to kill the mood by running out of the room clawing your eyeballs and screaming about worm-infested zombies. But you can think about something abstract: "Hm, do we have any milk in the fridge right now?" "I wonder what the temperature is outside." "Did I remember to turn the oven off?" Mundane little side-tracks can keep you physically present but less focused on what's going on with your junk and give you a few moments' reprieve from the intensity of the situation, leaving you with a few more minutes to wind yourself up to a state of ecstasy when you've focused back on the bliss to be had.

I hope these multitudinous bits of info and suggestions have helped, Mr. Woah: my hands are tired and I'm exhausted by all this thinking! I sure am knowledge-y!

I'd love to hear if anyone found this helpful, or has other advice to offer, in the comments section below. I think I've proved myself a worthy Not-Doctor, so please, peeps, tweet me (@MissLagsalot), comment me, or e-mail me (misslagsalot@gmail.com) more questions!



*Info gleaned from Mary Roach's fascinating and funny tome, Bonk. W.W. Norton, 2008.

The Not-Doctor Is In

I've decided that as a public service, I should probably apply my discerning judgment, my wide knowledge of many things sex- and porn- and dating-related, and my undeniable awesomeness to the betterment of this world and the lives of those in it. That's right, readers, I want to do a sexpert column. I've been thinking of approaching several publications to perform this valuable service for them, but then I'd probably have to toe some sort of company line and only talk about PC topics, or non-PC topics, or something, depending on the publication. So why not try it out here? I'll take any and all questions, and try to answer then once or twice a week as Not-Dr. Lags, your resident know-it-all.

And I mean that. I do tend to know what I'm talking about when it comes to the topics of pornography (almost any kind), sexuality, sex itself, sexual relationships, and even evolutionary biology as it relates to sex. If I can't answer a particularly interesting question, I've got friends and/or colleagues who can. And, here's the thing: I'm always right. No, seriously, I mean that. People have trouble believing this because I'm a tiny woman who looks younger than her age (according to many; I'm not sure I agree with this assessment), but when people ask for my advice and don't take it, they almost always come back later and say they wish they had. I often sit back and watch people screw things up as a result of not listening to my directions while traveling or hiking, and laugh. I am, I swear it's true, always right. But few people listen to little old me. So I've decided to open this up to a public test: send me your questions about anything sex-related. I may not be able to answer them all, or right away, but I will do my best, and I bet you'll be impressed with my answers.

Send them to me! Either leave them in the comments section below, or email me at misslagsalot@gmail.com.

Bring it on.