Ta-ta for Now! I'm Globetrotting!

Ok, dearest readers, your favorite blogger is going on vacation! I’ll be gone for about a week and a half, traveling with family and then starting a new job. Don’t fret: when I return I bet I’ll have a bunch of interesting things to share with you. When I don’t have much to do, as on vacation, I tend to think about sex and porn a lot, so I’ll be sure to have something new to discuss. In the meantime, keep reading WHACK! and for fun Miami Exxxotica coverage, TheWomansPOV for some sexy interviews and queer porn reviews, and the annals of my illustrious blog for pure entertainment. Oh, and don’t forget about me!

So ta-ta! And here are some ta-tas (from BoobsOnlyLesbians.com!

Watching Porn Makes Me Peckish

Earlier this week I reviewed Wicked’s new film Mesmerized, a feature length film about a guy (Danny Wylde, who is great) so blinded by love for his best friend (Alektra Blue) that he can’t realize she’s kind of a heartless bitch. There are problems aplenty with the plot, but you can read about those over at WHACK! What I want to talk about here is the fact that, while writing the review, I had to stop myself from making food references because I realized that I use them way too often in my reviews.

My recent writing for WHACK! and other publications includes references to beef fillets, steak sauce, smorgasbords, feasts, buffets, brandy, pancakes, pancake batter, chocolate cake… The list goes on and on. Over the course of my three-ish years writing for and about porn, I’d wager I’ve covered every major food group and regional cuisine in my reviews, set copy, columns, and musings.

I guess this isn’t so very surprising: sex and food go well together, as anyone who’s ever wanted a sandwich immediately after finishing up can tell you. They’re both things we all crave and need to be happy. And they’re so much fun! But I’ve started wondering why I particularly talk about food in a sexual context so much.

Is it because it’s just an easy reference to grab onto when thinking about something else that’s satisfying and visceral? Or is it because I have the munchies when I watch porn? Or is it because porn is so much a part of my life that it’s almost like sustenance to me? Hm. Not sure if any of these are good answers. Certainly worth asking, though.

Then again... maybe I should just look into splooshing.

The Miami Report: Kanye is Onto Something

I dunno how many of you out there listen to Kanye West, but given his popularity it’s probably quite a few of you. But just in case, his most recent album featured a song called “Hell of a Life” that starts with the line, “I think I fell in love with a porn star.” The song is all about the exhilaration of porn fame, the weird contradictions within the industry (how anal, gangbangs, and interracial sex are all lumped together as things that drive down a porn star’s performance price), and the just-as-weird contradictions without it (the glamour of porn and the openness of porn star lives and sexuality versus the shaming society heaps on them). And damned if it isn’t a great song. And damned-er if it isn’t onto something. Sometimes I hate giving Kanye credit cause he’s kind of a d-bag, but he writes some seriously good lyrics.

And I finally kind of know what he’s talking about. I mean, I knew some of what he was talking about before, since I’m kind of deeply immersed in the porn world. But as much as I think porn performers are great and have the same issues with society’s double standard of idolizing and glamorizing porn stars while denigrating the work they do… I’d never quite gotten close to falling in love with a porn star. Somehow, even when partying with hot stars and hanging out in hotel rooms with the top performers, some of whom came onto me and some of whom did not, I’d never walked away from one of them breathless. Maybe it’s because I see them in a mostly-professional way. Maybe it’s because I like a bit of mystery in my sexual pursuits and I already know a lot of what there is to know about most porn stars’ bedroom habits when I encounter them. Or maybe I just hadn’t met anyone who really got me going.

But this weekend I did. I’d been interested in Keni Styles beforehand for several reasons: #1: HOT BRITISH ACCENT. I know it’s a silly bias. And I know a lot of guys who will roll their eyes about this when they hear women say it. But those same guys will go ga-ga over a woman with an accent, too. There’s just something undeniably sexy about the exoticism of someone who’s from a different culture than your own. Add to that #2, which is that Keni has a fascinating background. He’s of mostly Chinese descent and has lived all over the world. He’s probably the most multicultural male porn performer on the scene today. #3: Though I hate to pigeonhole anybody based on race, the fact that Keni is of Asian descent is a big deal for the porn biz. Though it’s not as often talked bout as with other groups, anti-Asian sentiment runs high in the adult industry, where women are fetishized and men are basically nonexistent because there’s a prevalent stigma that Asian guys are feminine and have small dicks. Well, Keni has come (hehehe) to blast all those stereotypes to smithereens. The man is a powerhouse in his performances, masculine as all get-out, and has a dong that could make any woman tear up from either appreciation or pain. Not only is he accented, worldly, and boundary-breaking, all of which would make me interested… but, #3: he’s also HOT. Like. HOT. Just Google him. You’ll see what I mean.

So when I realized I was about to meet him in Miami I got excited. He had all the makings of an interesting person for an interview, and I was curious to see what he’d be like in person. I got my answer Thursday night before the Exxxotica convention started: he’s awesome. He came up to say hi, shook my hand, and blew me away immediately with that accent of his. And then his friendliness, openness, and, oh lord, his smile. I was hooked.

We didn’t spend much time together over the course of the weekend, besides some very boozey dancing and shenanigans at Fontainbleu on Friday night, but by the time he walked out of the convention center on Sunday, I was sighing after him like a lost puppy. I haven’t had a crush this serious on a porn star. Ever.

I doubt we’ll get married in a bathroom and divorced by morning, as Kanye’s song describes, but hey, a girl can hope, right? Just some making out would be fine.

The Miami Report: A Safe Place for Sex

This might sound trite and very duh-inducing, but I was just looking through my pictures from Miami and watching the interview I did with Sarah Vandella for WHACK! and it got me thinking. Sarah was at the LA Direct Models booth right across the thoroughfare from the WHACK! booth for most of the weekend, and her crazy exhibitionist antics got us a lot of extra attention by drawing huge crowds to her signing table. She was wearing just matching bra and panty sets, posing provocatively, letting fans and other performers touch her, and generally being what most people would call "slutty." And she was having a blast. I don't think she stopped smiling once the whole time. She bounced in on time (or relatively, anyway; these things are defined differently in the porn world) every day with a grin, ready to spend hours talking, posing, and enjoying herself completely. She was beaming, radiant.

It occurred to me in very blatant terms for the first time in a while that the adult entertainment industry and other outlets for sex work aren't just important steam-release valves for the undersexed masses. Porn is important for the people who work in it and love it, not just because it's a source of income, but because it's a (relatively--again, different rules apply) safe place for people like Sarah who thrive on sexuality. Our culture constantly reminds people with active sex drives to shut up about it, shaming them for being "abnormal" or "overly sexual." It especially shames women for whom sex is the ultimate joy, calling them any number of derogatory names heaping upon them irreversible damage to their reputations. Our culture tries to tell us that women who love to give oral sex are shameless sluts, that those who enjoy pleasuring others and themselves are too horny, that there's a problem with letting sex be a prominent factor in one's life instead of a quiet, understated part of it. We're told that people, particularly female people, who love sex and do it for money and attention are "damaged" somehow, that nobody normal could act like that. That there must be something wrong with those of us who love sex, love sexuality, and love showing it off.

But for plenty of people, sex is a huge part of daily existence. For most of us, in fact, it's at least a decent proportion of what we think about during the day. It's just that most of us deny this or suppress it. There's nothing wrong with thinking about sex a lot, and in fact there's probably a lot more wrong with not thinking about it or enjoying it. Those who have a healthy sex drive and feel beautiful, appreciated, and invigorated when we have it are more healthy than many of us who feel shame, sadness, or emptiness in our sex lives. Right? And yet we pretend we don't think about it when we do to avoid the shame of being "slutty." But the porn industry gives people who can't or don't want to shut up about how much they love their bodies, other people's bodies, and the pleasure they provide a home. It's a place where, even if those on the outside might look in and shake their heads in disgust, people on the inside can be free to be themselves. They don't have to pretend not to be thinking about sex instead of that spreadsheet due in an hour. They don't have to cover up if they like showing off. They don't have to feel ashamed of their sexuality. Sarah Vandella can celebrate her vitality, her infectious joy at being a sexual being, in a safe and supportive environment in the porn industry. Sure, she has to deal with protestors outside convention centers toting signs that read "Porno Sex is Sin" and shouting through megaphones. And sure she's probably been called a few names by people who don't understand. But as I watched her prancing around in her heels and bra and panties, loving the attention people gave her for her beauty and becoming more beautiful because of how they enjoyed watching her, I realized that this is the best place for her to be.

Sure there are plenty of ways in which the porn industry, particularly the straight side of the mainstream industry, exploits people and degrades women and men alike. But so does every industry, in its own way. At least in porn, people don't have to shut up about what they love to fit in. They fit in already.

The Miami Report: A Recap

Well, I'm back from the madness of the Exxxotica Miami Beach convention with the WHACK! Magazine crew! I won't go into exhaustive detail here about the goings-on, since WHACK! is scheduled to have a full week of coverage, from editorial writeups to picture galleries to video interviews (some done by yours truly and some by the beautiful Lexi Love) with many of the performers in attendance!

Suffice it to say, I had a LOT of fun. For some reason, I had it in my head that I wouldn't like Miami. My only experience with it came from TV, movies, and one really lame layover in the tiny international terminal at the airport, where I wasn't allowed to by duty-free since I was returning to the US, and the only food options were Starbucks and bad hot dogs. I had an image in my head of a New York, just plopped on the beach and coated in sleaze, and for some reason, this didn't appeal to me. Until I got to said beach. I had a blast! Beautiful people walking around in skimpy clothing night and day, on the beach and at the convention center, a whole lot of fun porn people to hang out with, and a booth of our own for the WHACK! crew to call home made the weekend fun, and if there's one person in this world who can deal with heat and humidity, it's me. I can honestly say I wasn't cold once all weekend, which is a rarity for me.

Unfortunately, I had a little too much fun, it seems; after three nights of 3-4 hours sleep and much substance abuse (hey man, cigarettes are only $4 down there! what was I SUPPOSED to do?), I woke up on Sunday with a throat so terribly sore I couldn't go back to sleep after 7:00 am and absolutely NADA going on in the voicebox. This was majorly problematic. I felt a little sick overall, probably as a result of dehydration and exhaustion, but aside from my inability to speak, there was nothing really WRONG with me, so I couldn't get out of going to the convention center for the day. However, all the interviews I'd been scheduled to do (Teagan Presley, Keni Styles, Inari Vachs, Adrennalyn, Kirsten Price...) were null. (As was my hawking of the WHACK! booth's hilariously irreverent game, "Toss Your Load." The deal was this: for $1, you got three sperm-shaped beanbags, which you attempted to toss through a hole cut out of Lexi Love's mouth in a large photo. Lexi sat next to it at her signing table and signed a free photo for anyone who got a beanbag in, thank goodness. If she hadn't been there I'd have been too afraid of being labeled a horrible misogynist for yelling things like, "Toss your load all over Lexi Love's face!" "Cram your sack into Lexi Love's mouth!" and so on, but everyone, including Lexi, found this hilarious.) Hey, I may be all about equal rights and representation, feminism, and turning tired stereotypes on their heads, but there are some things that are just endlessly hilarious, and sex jokes are pretty much the top of the bunch. Sadly, without a voice, I couldn't keep up my startlingly long list of ways to make the game sound funny to passers-by, much less my string of interviews.

Thankfully, Lexi came to my rescue and did a lot of interviews for me, which was great since she knew most of the people there far better than I do, and I got to sit at her signing table sipping tea and pretending I was her, very unconvincingly.

It's now Tuesday, I'm back in NYC catching up on mucho work, and my voice is ALMOST back. I CAN talk now, but have decided to write and e-mail all day and not leave the house to avoid over-stressing the old pipes and going back to square one. This is working out beautifully, actually. I think more frequent days of no-talking could be a beautiful, very productive thing.

I'll be blogging some ponderings and musings that have been going on in my head in response to the Miami convention over the next few days, but in the meantime, I'll just tell you the most major development from the weekend, aside from my laryngitis: I have officially gotten my first huge male pornstar crush! It's not much of a secret that I have a gigantic girl-boner for April Flores, Jiz Lee, and several other female-bodied performers. And while I like a whole lot of male-bodied performers a whole lot and have almost given in to some of their wheedling and hopped into bed with a select few, I never went home sighing about how dreamy any of them were... before now! I feel like a total geek admitting my susceptibility to masculine beauty and a British accent, but Keni Styles got me going first in his films, then in charming person, then at LIV at Fontainbleu during Jenna Haze's big party Friday night... And I haven't stopped yet. He's sweet, charming, laid-back, and seems very smart, to boot. Interview coming up? Definitely. One for WHACK! and the mainstream crowd? For sure. One for the blog here, where we can talk more intimately? I'm thinking yes. I'll keep y'all posted!

Update

I am sick and have lost my voice. Last day of the convention. Not sure what to do.

Bienvenidos

Howdy, readers! I'm writing to you from sunny, saturated Miami, FL, where I'll be attending the Exxxotica  Miami Beach adult industry convention as part of the WHACK! crew! I'll try to update here, but no promises! We're off right now to set up our first-ever booth, and the madness is about to begin in earnest tonight! Updates and pictures to follow!

The Call of the Camcorder

You know, I've never really wanted to record myself having sex. A lot of people ask me, when they find out I write about porn and sex, if I'd ever do porn myself. Or if I have done it and am denying it. And the honest answer to both these questions is "no." Having watched as much smut as I have, and understanding my insecurities about my spindly arms, deformed wrists, jiggly butt, and asymmetrical face, I think subjecting myself or anyone else to watching me flail around and make strange mouth movements during the act would be unpleasant, if not downright cruel. And, performer though I may be in some ways, comfortable in front of an audience or a karaoke bar, I've never been able to stand the sight or sound of myself on playback. I can't even watch any of the video interviews I've done for WHACK! no matter how much I like the questions I asked or the person I was talking to. The sound of my voice and the weird faces I make when talking, which YouTube always seems to capture in its still frame, make me all fidgety to think that I could really look or sound like that. It makes me question if I should ever to go out in public again.

So, no, porn is not a career choice for me. Nor is letting anyone take video of me having sex, even for private use. Absolutely no way.

But sometimes when I'm watching porn, like last night as I was reviewing Boundaries #7 from Triangle Films (the review will be up on WHACK! tomorrow--and by the way, my interview with Madison Montag is up today! check it out!), I start to wonder... When I'm with a woman, do we sound like those women? Do we scream and moan and pant as much? Are these women quieter or louder, more or less demonstrative? Do I move my hips like that? And when I'm with a man, I wonder if, from his point of view, my face looks contorted. I wonder how comparatively sexy the top of my head looks. I wonder... And I start to think maybe I SHOULD set up my camera one of these days, just to see...

But then I realize that it's entirely likely I'd be so traumatized by the unglamorous reality of what I sound and look and move like during the act that it would take months to feel sexy again. And I let it go.

Any of you ever toy with this idea, or give in to temptation? I'd love to hear your stories...

Inerview Excerpts Part II

A few more interview snippets to keep your mouths watering and your brains working, my darlings...

Drew Deveaux is the hottest thing to hit the queer porn scene in the past few years, taking fans and performers alike by storm, winning this year's Heatthrob of the Year award at the Feminist Porn Awards, and generally being the sexiest genderqueer trans woman on the blue screen. I personally find her entrancing, and her super-mega intellect incredibly alluring. I interviewed her for Madison Young's TheWoman's POV about a week ago, and I'm posting part of the interview, about finding her sexuality through porn, here to whet your appetites:

Me: Coming from a background like yours—you’re very educated—you have a lot of options. You spoke about this at the Red Umbrella Diaries when I saw you in March. You said that you get responses like, “Well, that’s an… interesting choice for you.” But it really is. Would you characterize yourself as a highly sexual person since you were young? Or has this decision actually made you more sexual?

DD Oh my gosh. Both. Certainly sexual, yeah. I’m definitely not denying that. But I think, given my history of being trans, I had to really search for a long time in order to really latch onto my sexual confidence. Really finding myself sexually was a difficult thing, and that links into the representations of trans women in porn and elsewhere, of ones that didn’t make any sense to me. Being queer and trans was not even something that seemed actually possible.

Basically when I was younger, when I was a teenager, everyone was like, “Oh, you’re just a super-effeminate boy. You’re gay.” And since I was a young kid, I was always pegged as a gay male. And I was like, “But, no! Actually, I like girls! And I kind of feel like a lesbian.” Which was the only vocabulary I had for it at the time. So you know, you add on top of that all the stigma and shame that so many people who don’t fit the mainstream definitions of what’s construed as sexy or sexually healthy, whether you’re gay or trans, whether you have a fat body, whether you’re differently abled, all these kinds of things… It can take a lot longer to come into yourself sexually.

So that has been a process and it still is a process. I think doing porn has been a hugely important way of positively reinforcing my power and identity as a sexual being. That’s not something that I sought getting into porn. I wasn’t looking for validation or affirmation, but at the same time, it’s provided me all these opportunities to experience sex in a whole bunch of different contexts, and to really think about sex, and to have sex that was really hot and amazing with talented people, to watch a lot more sex, to reflect. As I’m putting these things out there, as I’m being in some ways a role model, a visionary for trans sexuality… I’m really having to think about it. I feel like I’ve had to really push myself hard to get over a lot of things, like my own insecurities and my own shit around my sexuality. I don’t think anyone’s perfect. I don’t think any porn performer necessarily has everything figured out and is completely over all the stigmas and shame and trauma. But I think that they’re able to really reflect on how they shape it…

And I think that a lot of the work I’ve been doing recently has been a lot more vicious than some of the earlier work in terms of incorporating aspects of kink and power dynamics, dirty talk, and really reconnecting with some of the power that can happen in those kinky power-play dynamics where I can feel really ashamed and that can actually be a sexually awesome experience. So, yeah, it’s a process.

Jennifer Lyon Bell of Blue Artichoke Films and I had a chat about the Dutch television channel Dusk, a female-oriented channel that shows erotic/sexual programming made particularly for women. Dusk has been getting a lot of press in the US lately for inventing the term "porna" to apply to this type of programming--as opposed to "porno" made largely for and by men. The full interview will be used for an article on Dusk on WHACK! Magazine in the next few weeks.

 

Me: In the meantime, how do you like the term “porna” they're using for female-centric erotic material? Would you apply it to your work?

Jennifer Lyon Bell: I do appreciate that they’ve come up with a simple word to describe porn that appeals to women. Personally I’ve had a hard time coming up with terms to describe what I do — “explicit erotic film”? “Alternative erotica”? “Feminist porn”?  I do wonder if the word “porna” gives space to describe films that, while they may be made by women, appeal very much to men as well. Along the way, I’ve discovered that there are a ton of men out there who are searching not only for more authentic depictions of female sexuality in particular, but also of more authentic depictions of sexual relationships in general. I’m not sure that the word “porna” covers that. And that’s the situation I’m in, since both women and men seems attracted to what I’m trying to do.

All that being said, I’m proud to have my films on the Dusk channel, and pleased that women do respond so well to them. So I’m happy to have it called “porna” if that helps women understand why they might be different than the “porn” they’ve probably seen before.

The Vibrator Diaries: Entry the Second (Farewell, Sweet Spice)

Well, I think it's about time I put down my Evolved Spice for a while. We've had a good run, and really, the sex was good. But I've got to move on and see if I can find The One. Spice, you've been good to me. You've helped me learn that a good vibrator can't be defined by its length or girth--you're Short and Sweet, stubby and slim, but you still get the job done. And you've taught me that those big fancy vibrators with double motors and clit/butt ticklers aren't as scary as they look--you've got twin motors and I've enjoyed using your tickler immensely. Please don't think it's anything you've done, Spice. It's not you, it's me.

No, really. I've been playing with my Short and Sweet Spice for over a week now, as you may be aware, and though we've shared many a scrumptious squealing orgasm together, in the end I think that, while I'l probably never be able to eat a spice cake again without sighing fondly and remembering the rubbery purple vibe tucked away in my bedside drawer, the Spice just isn't the one for me. It's not that I believe in fate so much, or in true vibrator love. But I don't NOT believe in those mystical, magical stories I've heard about the romance between a lady's down-theres and a sex toy, either. I've heard stores from women I know about toys so mind-blowingly good at their job that they can get them off in seconds. SECONDS, Spice. And while you and I have certainly made beautiful music together, that music was usually in the form of a long, drawn-out concerto, rather than a short, quick pop song. And that's great. I've enjoyed our afternoons and evenings of slowly brought about, long, lingering pleasure. But I'm in this game to win it, and I want to find that vibrator, somewhere out there on a store shelf, that will get in, get off, and get out when I've only got five minutes between meetings.

I think that's what it comes down to, Spice. I'm a busy lady and I don't always have time for your slow, Short and Sweet ministrations. But when I do have time, my dear, fret not. I'll be back for more someday.

Anyway, onto bigger (maybe) and better things. What do you think, readers? Should I try out the Lily, the Slimline G, the Gold Digger, or the Conqueror?

Interview Excerpts

You lucky, lucky people! I've been conducting interviews like woah lately for several publications, and they have all been GREAT. Sadly, since they're for other publications, it'd be rude of me to reprint them here, but I can offer some excerpts to whet your appetites and wet the in-between-your-legs parts... If you're turned on by super-thinky political porn talk, that is.


First up, from my interview with the indomitable Sophia St. James, a small excerpt from our conversation about queerness and queer porn. The interview in its entirety will appear tomorrow in WHACK! Magazine:

Me: If you had to explain to someone who had never heard of it before, why you identify as queer and what queerness and queer porn mean, what would you say?

Sophia St. James: It’s kind of tricky when it comes to queer porn. And it’s only tricky because everyone has a different definition of what queer means to them. So, for me, being queer means that I’m an equal opportunity lover. I enjoy many different sexualities and many different genders. A lot of times when I explain that to people, they say, “Oh, so you mean you’re bisexual?” But no, “bisexual” means “bi,” which means two, so you’re speaking mainly of your cisgender — or your born-male or born-female — individuals. I take it a step further; I enjoy working with and having lovers that are transgendered, and so it’s not necessarily bisexual. And plus, queer can also, for me, mean that you’ve taken your sexual realm and identity outside of the “societal,” heteronormative views of what sex should be. And so, when it comes to queer porn… Hm.

I explain it the same way, but I also include the diversity piece. For me, queer porn should really be about including everyone in our community and having a representation. I find that when I speak to people, or people e-mail me, or what not, they appreciate queer porn because they see things that… While they may enjoy porn, up until a few years ago, porn hasn’t represented what they enjoy. And so now they can look at porn and see body types that are like theirs, they can see sexual activities that they, too, enjoy and that they can actually get off to, or get enthralled within that porn that they’re watching because it does represent their lifestyle in a sense.


Next up, European filmmaker, winner of numerous awards, and Dusk TV content staple Erika Lust discusses her goals in making erotic films. This interview will appear in full sometime in the next month or so on TheWomansPOV.com:

Me: What specific things about erotic film, sexual politics, and human sexuality do you hope to effect change in?

Erika Lust: Our current society is very permissive. We see sex in every corner: ads, films… but it’s funny how, behind this fake open-mindedness, the female sexuality keeps on being totally repressed and its representation is always oriented towards male appreciation. That’s what I want to change in erotic films: I want to show that woman own their sexuality and should explore it for themselves as a human being, instead of constantly trying to please men, as the media show us every day. I think that answers pretty much all the elements of your question.

Me: You’ve said that you see women as the potential transformers of erotic film. Women seem to me to be the huge, untapped force of the human erotic experience as pertains to film-making. How do you see women bringing about change now and in the future?

Erika Lust: Women are being pressured between retrograde media, mainstream porn and Sex and the City. But women have so much to say that can’t fit in a box. Women need to “undramatise” porn and start making their own: sex is not a men’s thing. More women every day start writing, producing, experimenting with sex behind the camera, and the more do that, the more it will help women get rid of this undiserved sense of shame. Women’s sexuality should not be a joke nor a wrong feminist cliché: it should be natural and enthusiastic, and ready to answer back when we’re called “sluts”. 

Stay tuned, lads and lasses and lovers of all types, I'll have more, from Jennifery Lyon Bell, Martijn Broersma, and  Drew Deveaux tomorrow!

Lamentations of a Porn Reviewer: The Least Problematic Problem Ever

Continuing in the vein of shameless narcissism and self-reflection, I want to share with you readers a part of my life as a porn reviewer that's as great as it is aggravating: choosing porn to review.

As editor-in-chief at WHACK! Magazine, I am in the fortunate position of being able to pick one or two porno movies to watch every week for review. I also get to choose DVDs, less frequently, for review for Madison Young's TheWomansPOV.com, and for this humble blog, as well. I've been doing this reviewing thing for a while, and over time my porn collection has grown vast. At this point I have an entire Rubbermaid tub full to the top with old porn DVDs and magazines in which my reviews and set copy have appeared, an entire dresser drawer, a growing stack of DVDs on my entertainment center, and two rows of my DVD shelves dedicated to my very favorite already-reviewed DVDs. And this is just what I own on DVD, rather than access online via VOD sites, CrashPadSeries.com, HotMoviesForHer.com, and etc. The picture above is but a small sample of the wares from which I must choose every time I decide to do a review.

And the material just keeps coming. Every week I receive between three and twelve new movies from Triangle Films, Vivid, Girlfriends Films, Digital Playground, Jules Jordan X-Play, Wicked Pictures, Jennaration X, and more companies than I can even remember. I literally don't think it would be humanly possible for me to watch all this porn, but so much of it is SO good. How's a girl to pick one sensual delight from a smorgasbord of smut?

For instance, in the next two days I'll need to watch a movie and review it for WHACK! In the last week I've received, via mail, The XXX Avengers, a couples-oriented Wicked film, Star Trek: The Next Generation: A Porn Parody, and The Justice League of International Porn Stars, all of which sound fun. I also have stacks and stacks of all-sex, no-plot movies laying around: It Ain't Gonna Suck Itself, is one, Sperm Sponges is another, and Scurvy Girls rounds out my top three curios. I have to admit, Scurvy Girls sounds really horribly unpleasant. I mean, I'm getting some pretty un-sexy images of toothless sailors in my head just thinking about it. But from the back-of-box images, I doubt I'll get any. As a matter of fact, all these ladies look like they have plenty of Vitamin C in their systems. Not sure what the "scurvy" thing is all about. Hm.

Anyway, as you can probably imagine, choosing porn to watch every week isn't so easy. So much sex! So little time! And the main difficulty in picking from amongst so much material is that I'm watching these movies, not to get off to (although I often do), but to analyze for review. I often go with the feature films because it's a lot easier to write 500-1,000 words about a movie that includes a plot, a script, and some costuming than it is to spend all those words examining just boning.

But last night I was at a party in Brooklyn, telling a stranger about what I do for a living. I told him I was considering reviewing Star Trek: The Next Generation for review this week because I'd seen some rather remarkably well-made trailers for it. He stared at me. "But does anyone actually watch movies like that to, you know, jerk off to?" he asked, amazed. I couldn't answer him. Because when I watch these films, I'm examining the costumes, the sets, the set-ups, the background music... AND the sex. But the sex is only one thing I have to take into consideration. And because my focus is different from most, I tend to pick movies that your garden-variety fan probably wouldn't. Maybe this makes me a bad reviewer. An ivory-tower titillator, if you will. But am I willing to sacrifice the little enjoyments that clever scripting and a semblance of character development give me every week to be a better, more mass-appealing reviewer? I want to say I am, but my dearest readers... I love sex. Don't get me wrong. I love watching people have sex. If I didn't, I'd be in the WRONG business. But do I love it enough to spend 5-10 hours every week watching JUST sex without plot or character development (no matter how shabby)? No. No I'm not. I'm sorry.

I am, however, to sacrifice valuable porn-watching time to bitch about possibly the least problematic problem in the history of ever. And you know what the worst part is? I keep the best movies for myself, but with the influx of new material every day, I rarely get to go back to my favorites. And then, every time I realize two days late that a good friend just had a birthday, I feel obligated to send a really great skin flick to said friend as an apology for being too mired in dirty movies to have remembered in time. And so all the best material is slowly drained from my shelves, and I'm left with Sperm Sponges. Cause you can't give that to your elementary school besty, but you can send the Sex and the City parody.

Sigh. Anyway, I'm off to play eenie-meenie-miny-moe with my stacks of smut. Wish me luck, and watch WHACK! Magazine this Wednesday to see what I choose!

Two-Faced... Or, Actually, Three-Faced

So, I'll admit that I'm feeling a little narcissistic today, and as I was pondering my awesomeness this morning, I realized that though I write under three pseudonyms, I've never made it very clear WHY. I don't know if any of you particularly care, but indulge me as I explain.

I first started writing as Miss Lagsalot. This was a name tossed off on a whim. My initials spell LAG, and I've always wanted to write as "Lag," but when it came time to actually pick a "nom de porn" to write under for WHACK! Magazine, "Lag" just seemed too... blah. I wanted something flashier. I'd been reading up on some Arthurian legends (yep, I'm a big literature geek) and had the idea that working with Sir Lancelot would be fun. Sir Lagsalot would get all kinds of complicated as people would expect me to be male for interviews and such, so instead I took Miss Lagsalot as my name. I've been writing as Lagsalot for about three years now, I think, and the character that's developed out of reviewing porn, interviewing porn performers, and generally walking that line is a little bit crass, a little loud-mouthed, outgoing, and drunk. All of which describe me only under certain circumstances. Lagsalot writes most of my porn reviews, does my interviews, and speaks for me when I'm surrounded by the adult industry because she's a lot less easy to intimidate than I am.

Lynsey G, on the other hand, was less intentional. When I submitted my proposal to McSweeney's for my porn writing column, I used my full name on the materials, not thinking further ahead than my imminent rejection notice. But imagine my surprise when they decided to take me on as a year-long columnist! I was so excited I didn't even think about the fact that my full name was attached to it until they'd already announced their new columnists and it became clear to me that everyone I went to high school with, and many family members, would see it up there on Google along with the rest of the world. I wrote to them asking them to change my name to just "Lynsey G," and proceeded to write under that name for them for a year. I now write as Lynsey G here on my blog, on Madison Young's TheWomansPOV, and wherever else they'll let me! Lynsey G isn't exactly who I am in real life, but she's a lot closer to the real "me" than Lagsalot. She's more thoughtful, far more introverted, and much more political. She's concerned about the "big issues" of porn, rather than with porn itself. She's a big-time feminist (which Lagsalot is, too, but Lagsalot doesn't spend much time talking about it) and a queer, and she writes in a very unaffected voice.

Then, of course, there's Lag. Lag doesn't get much play because she's the voice of moderation between Lynsey's introversion and Lagsalot's degeneracy. She's who I write as when I'm not sure how to feel or talk about something, so she doesn't have a firm voice of her own. I hope she grows into something someday, but at the moment she's my fallback, and as such might actually be more like me than the other two voices, but I'm not quite ready to use her yet.

Anyway, in case you were wondering, people, that's the Lynsey Lagsalot trinity for you. Cheers!

The Vibrator Diaries: Entry the First

I reviewed the Evolved Spice Short and Sweet vibrator a while ago for WHACK! Magazine, and waxed rhapsodic about its double-motored, stubby, wobbly goodness. To date, I think it has been my most successful vibrating friend, and so I decided to go back to examine our relationship a few nights ago, and again last night, and then again this morning. What can I say, I really like it!

The Spice is a smaller, less complicated version of what everyone knows as a "rabbit" style sex toy. It's got two vibrating parts, one for penetration and one that tickles the clitoral area simultaneously. It's made of gel-like silicone, devoid of over-the-top bells and whistles, and thank goodness it doesn't have any weird animal-shaped parts on it. Those dolphins and bunnies and such really freak me out--I mean, I like animals, but they don't need to go anywhere near my junk, nawmsayin?

Anyhoo, I wanted to see if the initial magic that my Short and Sweet Spice worked on me long ago was still there, and I'm happy to report that it is. I am, however, sad to report that, because of how the Spice is designed to be used, I've already broken my "no penetration" rule, which I set for myself... um... two days ago. But hey, vibrators aren't made to be used just externally, now are they? So let's just nix that silly rule (was I drunk when I wrote that? I may have been) and move ahead, shall we?

To the business at hand!

The Spice and I started our first evening together all alone in bed, with no external stimuli like partners, porn, or even sexy photos. It was just the two of us and my very active imagination. We got down to business on the first of the Spice's three vibrational settings, which range from "Is this thing on?" to "Holy mother of something-I-can't-say-cause-it'd-offend-religious-people!" and settled in for a long evening of experimentation.

Now I have to be perfectly honest with my assessment of what went on here. Every masturbation session is not equal to every other one, and so the results I might get from any particular bout with my Spice can be vastly different from any other. For instance, the first night we got together, I was pretty exhausted and stressed, and though the Spice's first setting almost brought me to orgasm because I desperately needed a release of stress, my body was too tired to go through the motions. We started on the low setting, and seeing that it was getting close to, but not doing, the trick, we amped up to the second, with similar results. The third setting, I think, numbed me genitals a bit, and after a half hour or so of deliciously fruitless fun, I gave up and fell asleep.
The second night was similar, but I wasn't tired nor nearly as stressed as the night before. No matter which setting I used or what pattern of switching between settings, I just couldn't seem to get to the climax with my brain and my Spice alone. I tried a variety of fantasies, used the Spice externally and with penetration, and even turned it around so the clit tickler was tickling a slightly lower spot... ahem. And though I approached orgasm many times, I never quite got pushed over it. This could very easily be a mental hurdle--since I hadn't gotten there the night before, my brain may have just been convinced it couldn't get there at all, and stopped my body from having all the fun I wanted to have (stupid brain). Or, maybe the Spice and I just aren't the match made in heaven that I thought we might be.
So, this morning, I tried again, this time using one of the foothills around my mountain of porn DVDs to help, and damned if the Spice didn't get me there in no time, on the third setting.

I'm not sure if this just means that I'm so used to watching porn it's easier to get off when there's some playing, or if I'm better at having orgasms in the morning, or if the Spice isn't really what I need. Sigh... I guess the only thing I can do is spend a few more days with it. Shit, life is tough, huh?

PS - Having had a mind-blowing orgasm before noon on a Thursday is TOTALLY worth it.

Interviews-a-Rama

Sorry, my darlings, that there have been no updates yet on the Vibrator Diaries. I'm getting all my little duckies in a row and things have been very very busy here in Lagsalot land! I'm in the midst of preparing for no fewer than THREE interviews tomorrow morning: sultry seductress Sophia St. James, Dutch "porna" TV master Martijn Broersma, and the FPA Heartthrob of the Year, Drew Deveaux! Bear with me as I get my shit together, and tomorrow we shall talk VIBES, baby!

Miss you all! Mwah!

The Vibrator Diaries: An Introduction

Busy busy as a bumblebee this spring, and in delightful ways! I'm preparing to head to Miami for the gigantic Exxxotica Miami Beach adult industry convention at the end of this month, where WHACK! Magazine will be sharing a booth with the lovely, lascivious Lexi Love, the bodacious Trina Michaels, and the legendary Eve Laurence, and partying down! But before that happens, I'm making some forward motion with my TV pilot script, my book projects (there are two), a short article for Whore! magazine, a poetry translation project, interviews with some of the industry's most lickable stars (look for Sophia St. James, Erika Lust, Drew Deveaux, Jiz Lee, Justine Joli, and more in the next month or so, here, on TheWomansPOV, and at WHACK!), a long-form feature on Holland's Dusk TV channel, and my last article on the female POV and a review, both for Madison Young's TheWomansPOV. Busy much?

But before all that craziness goes down, I want to announce yet another project! Speaking of busy bumblebees, I've been thinking of buzzing, as my I got so much great feedback from commenters and private e-mailers about my vibrator pondering post last week that I've decided to set myself a new goal: find the perfect vibrator for my apparently-picky junk in the next few months! I realized from all your input that it's very likely I just haven't found the right vibe yet, and though I've got tons of them in my toybox (actually it's a set of drawers; that's how I roll), none have quite done the trick for me... And I bet I'm not the only one. Doing reviews of one product at a time, I've realized, is all well and good, but because I move from toy to toy quickly to do said reviews, I rarely get to spend any real quality time with any one in particular, going back for visits only now and then. But if it's difficult for me, the owner of hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars worth of sex toys, to find one that works for me, I can't imagine how tough it must be for other ladies to do the same!

And so I'll be sharing my good vibrations, documenting my journey in blog form--nothing too explicit, but I'm going to take some time with different settings on different toys and report back in the hopes that what works AND what doesn't work for me might help readers discover what works for THEM. I'll revisit old friends, campaign to have more toys ent my way, and poll sexy scenesters in interviews about their favorite vibrating toys, and I will not stop until I've found the right clit tickler! I'm DEDICATED! After all, as Jiz Lee pointed out, May is National Masturbation Month, so there's no time like the present to start! I'll be reporting my findings as often as I can, in amongst all the other stuff I'm doing, so stay tuned for the results of my epic journey into the deep, dark wilds of my own perversion! I hope you'll enjoy it as much... well... almost as much... as I will!

Here's da rules:
1) I'll only be using vibrators as stimulation, so I can determine which vibe is best. No penetration
 or other stimulation except for my very active imagination.
2) I'll spend at least two or three sessions with each toy before moving on to the next, to get a real understanding of its functions.
3) I'll report back as often as possible, but don't expect erotica. I'm not good at going into salacious detail about sex in my writing, and I can't imagine I'll be any better at recounting masturbation. Expect silliness, not sexiness.
4) I'll actively pursue any leads anyone wants to give me on toys to try out! Give me suggestions, peeps!

That's it for now! Tonight I think I may snuggle up with my Evolved Spice vibe. We haven't talked for a while.

In the meantime, do check out Rae Threat's STUNNING photography featuring some of my favoritest porn people.